I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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