What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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