It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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