judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
