On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
