is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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