I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
