I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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