when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
