I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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