he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
