Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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