im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
