I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
