I never want to see another naked old woman again.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A bitchslap is in order.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
