my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
