I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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