The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
