The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
