They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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