Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
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Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.