I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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