Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
