I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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