How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
