You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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