He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
