o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
