I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
