My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She's the barista slut.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
foreskin is a definite game changer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
