I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
