i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
