I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Farmville is her only friend.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
