I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
