he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
