White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Found your dick twin last night
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
