my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
