I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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