can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
They have beer where we have blood.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
