You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
