If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
