yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
