just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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