I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
