Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
