i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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