my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
