Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
