He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
