Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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