final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
