in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
