Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
