It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
