Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
