i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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