i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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