I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
