i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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